The other day in the midst of one of the many arguments with my mother about my life and what was becoming of it, she asked me how I wasn’t scared or worried about my future.
Before I could answer, I had an epiphany.
I realized that I wasn’t scared anymore because I was prepared for whatever life and the universe chose to throw my way. I had spent most of my 20’s in constant panic trying to figure what my “purpose” in life was and what I needed to do to get there.
It had been exhausting and with the addition of my depression, it was incredibly counterproductive. In January, right after NYE I had become suicidal once again. It had started happening more often, the thoughts were becoming less controllable. I soon wasn’t able to function in the world, lost my job and became recluse.
When It got to the point where I had begun planning how to end my life, I knew I needed to reach out because I had almost succeeded in taking my own life before, and if not for my father coming home when he did, then calling 911; I wouldn’t be here.
I had already been through the pain of watching the sadness on my loved ones eyes knowing I could leave this earth without saying goodbye to them and it had hurt me more than even my own depression.
I vowed after that to never let my depression get that bad, that I DID in fact have many reasons to live for and people that would never let me feel alone or helpless again.
So I sought out help from my oldest and closet friends who had seen me there in a place of deep darkness before; after talking with them I checked myself into a hospital.
After I got out, I was set up with a therapist and psychiatrist. They’ve opened my eyes to my problem and helped me learn to live again. Since seeing them I realize that most of everything I worry about stems from the fear of not knowing whats next. So instead of fearing what may be next, I’ve been learning to instead welcome it because it is out of my control. I can’t control everything or everyone but I can control my ATTITUDE, and how I choose to respond.
I believe thats where the whole idea of Don’t Be Scared, Be Prepared came from. Don’t be scared of the unknown but rather be prepared for it because it like time is inevitable.
If you or friend need help or are having suicidal thoughts Call 1-800-273-8255 or dial 911, you’re not alone.